


Waves Wash Ashore

by PencilSketchS



Series: Firmanent [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Asexual Castiel (Supernatural), Canon Compliant, Episode: s14e20 Moriah, Extended Scene, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Internal Monologue, Maybe - Freeform, No Plot/Plotless, Possibly Unrequited Love, Pre-Castiel/Dean Winchester, Unresolved Emotional Tension, castiel - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-25
Updated: 2019-05-25
Packaged: 2020-03-17 11:31:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18964375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PencilSketchS/pseuds/PencilSketchS
Summary: Chuck has gifted them with the Equalizer and the instruction to kill Jack. Castiel leaves and in a moment of weakness takes his  frustrations out on his truck in a cemetery far too sunny and cheerful for its own good. What are his thoughts at that moment?It comes and it goes in waves.





	Waves Wash Ashore

**Author's Note:**

> I've written this instead of sleeping, because otherwise I might never have gotten this out of my head, from the concept that's been churning in my skull to actual words on the screen. I'm not gonna lie, I haven't even re-read it to check if it makes sense. But here it is, my wish fulfilling emotional piece, set to that scene of Cas in the cemetery before everything literally goes to shit.
> 
> Please let me know if there are any spelling errors or run on sentences that make no sense.
> 
> Also, who else thinks that Castiel can don sexuality like a borrowed coat?

It comes in waves.

First the anger.

Castiel is slamming the truck door and beating at the hood, reining in the urge to crush the metal beneath his fists as a fierce anger burns through him.

Right now his anger is focused solely on Dean and his single-minded, stubborn, relentless refusal to see reason, to hear what Castiel has to say, to take the difficult route and not just give in to the easy fix of killing Jack in revenge and cold blood.

There have been times when Castiel has been angry, yes, at his father, at himself, and even at Dean. But this time it’s so much worse, this time it hurts in new, more agonizing ways. Because this time Dean is throwing away all the good they’ve done and the life changing moments they’ve shared raising Jack and coming closer as an actual family. 

Mary did not deserve to die. It was so wrong and unfair that she was dead. But Jack didn’t deserve to be found guilty without a trial. Didn’t deserve to be weighed and found wanting because of this one accident that culminated from a million different failures on all their parts.

And Jack had run. He’d been remorseful. He’d still been so trusting. He’d still tried so hard just to please them all.

It came in waves.

The love Castiel felt for Jack. 

The fondness. The possessiveness he felt over their time together. The covetousness he felt over the moments he shared of understanding looks with Sam and supportive nods with Dean as the three of them navigated this landscape of shaping a young mind and giving him the tools and the skills and the values to be a good man, a strong man, a fair man. Watching him develop as his own person outside of their own likes and preferences.

The love he felt that made him want Jack to be happy, above and beyond any greater destiny that he might have.

The love that made it impossible for him to abandon Jack here and now to his fate.

If he needed to take Jack away to protect him, to stop Dean from doing something stupid and unforgivable, give up his family and his home in the bunker until they could either all see eye to eye again, or time had moved on and left it all behind for them, then he loved Jack enough that he would do that. 

In fact, that is exactly what he was going to do.

It came in waves.

The yearning.

The yearning he felt for Dean never really left him, it just oscillated its intensity, its pervasiveness, its urgency, its shape.

Alone, and human, it had been a painful yearning for the smell of Dean’s cologne, for the comfort of his presence, just his presence, the sound of his breathing. 

As an angel pulling a soul out of hell it was the yearning to hold him closer, keep him safer, remove him faster from what would hurt him, and raise him higher towards the glory he embodied. 

During his initial rebellion against heaven that yearning had persisted and persisted and he had tried to ignore it, to purge it, to leave it behind, to forsake it and remove it. He'd tried, and he'd failed, and he couldn't say he was sorry.

He hadn’t understood it. He’d been lost. From the moment he’d touched Dean’s soul in hell, he had been lost. He was no longer complete. He was no longer certain. But he hadn’t understood then, how much more he’d love and yearn for Dean. How Dean would break him.

With each new obstacle, with each new long look into each other’s eyes, with each new crack he saw behind Dean’s eyes, with each new grief suffered, the yearning rooted deeper. Leaving less of him untouched.

These past few years, with Jack and when they had their short reprieves from disaster and Michael and possession, they had meant everything to Castiel. They had meant an end to the endless unfulfilled yearning.

He didn’t need this physical body to be himself. He hadn’t lived millennia in it. Human sexuality was a lot less foreign to him now, but no less of a separate experience to his own sense of identity. He could think of it and enjoy it, but it felt like being an observer. He knew Dean was beautiful. He understood the conflicting feelings Dean grappled with regarding hetero-normative societal expectations. He could imagine touching his mouth to Dean’s and find the thought thrilling and pleasant, but he could easily go without as well, as long as he had Dean in other ways, in the ways they were beginning to have recently. Sharing their moments, their worries, their plans on what to do next, feeling safe in knowing that this is where he belonged.

He loved Dean, he always had.

He was in love with Dean, painfully so.

But he was also angry with Dean right now. 

This felt like a betrayal. Like a dismissal. Out of hand he was refusing to include Castiel’s opinion or input and making an executive decision about all their lives, and it made Castiel feel raw inside.

It came in waves.

The denial.

Why was Chuck here? Why now? Why was Mary dead? Why was Jack missing? Why had Sam and Dean trapped Jack? Why had Jack looked at Cas with such betrayal as if he had been the one to lock him away in the Mal’ak box? Why had Dumah betrayed him and jeopardized everything? Why was this whole situation so dire? Why did it feel like they were being toyed with? Why was this moment of peace being denied him?

There was the sound of wings behind him, and he knew that Jack was there.

Castiel turned to his son, and planned to snatch him up and run.


End file.
